|
|
A quick walking tour of Georgetown, the main city on the island of Penang, reveals the splendid character of the island. There are street hawkers on every corner with delicious seafood dishes in Indonesian, Malaysian, and Chinese styles. There is old Fort Cornwallis, the original British settlement from the 1850's. The mosques and old colonial buildings add charm and distinction as well.
This farm is one of the perennial tourist traps on the island but can be quite pleasant on a rainy day for a few hours. The exhibits are actually quite informative, and sitting on a bench while literally thousands of butterflys flit through the air is quite calming. Be sure to check out the prehistoric looking water monitor as well!
Langkawi, a small island up near the Thai border, is a tropical paradise. The beaches are ideal, the people are friendly, and it has a "small town" feel very much unlike Penang... Get there and check out the relaxed island vibes at the Reggae Pub down while the sun sets over the ocean.
Everywhere you look in Penang, there are little mopeds cruising the streets. Most, it seems, are driven by locals on their way to wherever the locals go. Occasionally, you spot a tourist on one trying to catch the sights while avoiding other vehicles. It looked like fun.
So, I rented a moped for the day from my hotel, the Cathay Hotel and "Health Club". I didn't know it before checking in, but "Health Club" in Malaysia is a synonym for brothel... For 20 Ringgits, about $5 US, the bike was mine for the day. "You ride this bike before?" the host asked. "Oh yeah, sure I have," I answered. The truth of the matter is that I've only ridden mopeds that are automatic transmission. This one was a four speed with the little clicker on the left foot to change gears. Uh-Oh.
But, I tooled around the parking lot for a few minutes and then decided to just go for it. Unfortunately, as I entered traffic I forgot that Malaysia is a "drive-on-the-left" former British colony... I swerved and barely avoided a head-on with a bright yellow taxi.
I took it easy for the first 30 km or so. I figured out the gear shifting quite quickly. If you're happy with the acceleration of a Galapagos Land Tortoise, you can just leave the bike in the top gear the entire time. This seemed like a good strategy to me, especially after I popped a few wheelies while experimenting with down shifting at speed.
Anyway, along one of the very windy roads was a sign for the "Tropical Fruit Farm" and a tell-tale warning just underneath, "Visit at your own risk." Well, I was a little hungry and I have yet to be injured Newton-style by a falling apple, so I decided to give it a shot.
The plantation was atop a hill in the middle of the island. The vista was fantastic in all directions. I was given a 5 Ringgit ($1.50) plate of fruits, many of which I have never seen. I skillfully avoided signing up for the 1.5 hour tour of the grounds.
As I sat and ate, one of the guides came over to "explain" what I was eating. OK, I'll go along. Well, I had Star Fruit, Green Wax Apple, Red Wax Apple, Watermelon, Pomello Grapefruit, Banana, Yellow Watermelon, Honey Dew Melon, and a cast of other crazy things I can't remember. Mr. Fruitcake could have won a huge sum of money on the Yellow Watermelon thing if he'd have been a betting soul...
So, after I finished the fruit, Mr. Fruitcake said very coyly: "I have something I think you might be interested in." OK, here it comes, the high pressure sales pitch for a bag of Green Wax Apples... With that, he pulls from his pocket a tiny, clear plastic bag. I thought he was trying to sell me drugs, an offense punishable by the death penalty in Malaysia. Death. No kidding. Inside was the dried remains of something I couldn't identify, but clearly wasn't a fruit and it didn't look like drugs.
"You know what it is?" he asked. I had no idea, but I ventured a guess: "Nutmeg?" With a latent pause for effect, he said, "No, no, no... You know Viagra?" Yes, I am familiar with Viagra. "How much is Viagra in the United States?" he asked. "Hey buddy, I'm 28, not 68!" I protested.
"This is better than Viagra. I'm selling it." I still had no idea what it was. "It's a slice of Crocodile Penis," he said in hushed tones. "You use this and your girlfriend have 3, maybe 4 orgasm. You no shoot you sperm. Guarantee." I kinda thought the shooting part was the idea, though the 3, maybe 4, part sounded pretty good. Then again, I don't have a girlfriend...
"Does it come with a girlfriend too?" I played along. "No, no, no, you no come! I tell you, you no come!" Clearly, we had a language barrier.
"Well, I don't have a girlfriend, and I'm not about to go eating a piece of crocodile penis, thank you very much."
"No, you don't have to eat it, silly!" He thought *I* was being silly. "You put it in a glass of water for 5 minutes and then drink the water. You can use it over and over. You no shoot sperm. Guarantee."
I suppose I should have queried the price for the sake of my diary and this essay, but I was laughing too hard at the thought of "just a minute, sweetheart, I need to drink my crocodile penis water."
As I left my gracious host and got on my moped, he tossed me an orange and told me that if I changed my mind, he could perhaps arrange for a girlfriend for me as well.